Ungrateful welfare leech

A big part of my life sucking off the welfare tit is going to food panties. I barely get LINK, so I spend it on spices and oil to cook the weird shit I get from food pantries.

Almost all of them give you pretty standard stuff, oatmeal, rice, cans of beef stew, canned veggies. You can look forward to cranberry sauce, super cheap peanut butter and high fructosed infused grape jelly. Maybe a decent sized frozen chicken or a bag of leg quarters.

The donations area varies agency to agency. My “favorite” usually has some oddball stuff because of donations from the Kosher Jewel near it. I’ve learned to crave matzo anything, and gefilte fish isn’t too bad if you have horseradish. I’ve even gotten kimchi, duck liver paste and hummus.

The behavior varies widely. The pantries that are frequented by those of indeterminate European origin tend to have the best stuff, and the worst behaved patrons. Pretending to not speak a lick of fucking English even after twenty years in the USA, they get in and immediately bottleneck near the line to go in, raising a fit because they waited for 3 hours and got a high number in the line lottery, not letting anybody past to sit in the ample seating area.
“Oh noooooooe heeeeeeetler is coming! We must have foodstuffs to survive the oncoming invasion!!”

The racist part of the crowd loves to clash with the polish/Russian/Whatthefuckskistan people who patronize the joint.

I was waiting with my buggy quietly like I always do and a really fat black lady decided the tartan grocery cart next to me with a invisible occupant was mine, demanding I move it and let her sit down. I explained and pointed to my buggy, much less manly than the Highlander cart, and she looked for its owner, started a one-sided argument and they clashed buggies together like a fucktarded toddler fight. I got up and moved waaaaaay to the back.

For some reason while everybody else is smartening up, the shitheads in my neighborhood and those who use these services smoke like chimneys. They can’t comprehend we don’t want to smell the deathsmoke from their cancer cock in their mouth. I’ve taken to wearing a mask while staining my worst jeans on the concrete, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting for the fucking place to open.

If I’m lucky I get the milkcrate so half my body doesn’t fall asleep.

The Thanksgiving giveaway recently was especially full of bullies. It’s a big culture shock to the people new to this thing to see the worst humanity has to offer and have to spend a hour and a half with a few times a month.

It’s a crapshoot, once in awhile it’s barely worth going to. You crave that frozen meat, especially the so called “hot sausage” that’s weak pussy shit. It’s always on the verge of needing to stay frozen or cooked that night so you end up having a nice tasty binge, maybe putting it with the kalamata olive adamantium loaf in a sloppy sandwich, and why oh why, did I grab the maple jalepeno yogurt dressing? Oh well, it’s not like I don’t have the time to shit my brains out.

Ahhh, meat shits.

Sometimes the volunteers are high school girls wearing super-tight yoga pants and skimpy shirts. I feel like “Yeah, I’m going to jail just for standing near these chicks”. Jared from Subway would be in heaven.

I’m at the super depressed old fart stage where I barely care about sex and just want food and a good night’s sleep under my electric blanket.

The next phase of difficulty is wheeling your stuff, your heavy backpack and bag slung over shoulder, battling carpal tunnel to the bus stop and knowing every other fucktard who got in line before you is going to jam the front of the bus and you have to do some Neo from the Matrix meets Kama Sutra for bus seat fuckers for a few miles, then excitedly and painfully get your stuff in the front door, go take that steaming stinky diabetic piss you’ve been holding in for an hour and cook that meat.

Protip: You know you’ve struck food pantry gold when there’s a shitload of Asian people there. Not only do they behave themfuckingselves, there’s lots of produce.

The once a month outdoor produce thing is also a crapshoot, I have so many fucking onions I must stink like hell. Curry, spice, onions, garlic, I never get attacked by vampires or hobos.

If you guys need some advice if you want to donate, donate some spices! Red pepper flakes, things like that. Chili powder. White pepper. Garam masala. That’s the ticket.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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