that’s the funny thing about weekends when you’re unemployed, they don’t mean quite so much

We’re in a transitional period of technology where we still use cable tv, over the air tv but online programming is much more convenient and compelling.
Still, laziness will lead one to just simply hoping some curator has provided programming you can stumble upon, since being faced with so many choices can lead to not wanting to make a choice at all.
I finally got to the point this year where I’ve given up on Saturday Night Live, but will maybe just leave the tv on and see the shitty shows after it. Saturdays and Sundays are super boring since I don’t have my zillion doctors/therapists/whatever appointments, there are only so many trips one can take to the store for more pop and blocks of store brand cheese.
The 1990’s were a magical time where in first run syndication you had Earth:Final Conflict, Team Knight Rider (yes, I fucking liked it), Hercules, Xena, TekWar, Mutant X, etc.
Now it’s a bit dicier. There are these locally produced Chicago shows where preppy chicks go to some half burned down Fotomat to eat goat cheese reverse tachyon di-ionized farm to table smegma burritos. Very hipster. They make the location seem more appealing than it is, when in reality it’s a long, grungy CTA trip smelling rancid crotch sweat, hearing the ramblings of some fucktard off their meds and the horde of cellphone zombies who can’t walk in a straight fucking line due to not being able to miss a nanosecond of fucking with their smartphones.


One of the ones features one of the former MTV hot chicks (I haven’t watched MTV in eons) Audrina Partridge. They come to Chicago often enough I could probably catch a glimpse of her hot bony little ass in person. The leaked naked pics were of her before she got in the great shape she is now. I mean, she looked good regardless, but the way she is now you know her little ass is just firm and perfect under those tight clothes.
If you manage to stay up long enough on one of the .3 channels, LAFF, there’s a lame America’s Funniest Home Videos knockoff that’s actually barely funny at all, but it’s watchable due to the large amount of cute animal videos. I used to have lame jobs and I’m sure the announcer has plenty of “please kill me moments” when he reads the lame dialogue somebody wrote for him.
I can’t get into reruns of Castle though once in awhile I’ve had homoromantic dreams about Nathan Fillion, I mean, who hasn’t? It’s more of a “I wish I was his best friend” thing rather than actually wanting to fuck him. Jeremy Renner has that quality, too. I own “National Lampoon’s senior trip” in which he played an oily stoner. It was that more innocent time in the 1990’s before smartphones made everybody antisocial in public. I was a kid in the 1980’s but 1990’s pop culture also holds a special place in my heart, I make a point of watching Baseketball on a regular basis, though I do so on my computer. I saw it in the theater twice and miss that time when Third Wave Ska was king and even the shitty albums were at least listenable, now a lot of everything is rap shit or autotuned crap.

When South Park came out it was a revelation of sorts, my local cable company didn’t carry Comedy Central so we headed over to some shitty college bar while brohams drank Grolsch beers and tried to pick fights. I had a frenemy situation with a guy Kevin Smith would write as my “hetero lifemate” in a VIew Askew comedy, but we had parallel interests. We’d drift apart and hang out again, finding out that we’d discover the same things, the same tastes even though we did it on our own.



I usually sleep in four hour naps on the weekends, I’ll wake up in 4-5 hours and watch the morning news. Nbc 5 has a huge disparity in traffic girls, on the weekdays it’s a blonde, slim but fit Kye Martin in tight spandex dresses, on the weekends, it’s voluptuous Marley Kayden in tight dresses, usually the sight of her I’m all “Jesus Christ those tits!!!”. They both are likely married but are good eye candy. I think it was Valentine’s day I could swear Marley’s nipples were hard and I could almost make out aerola, but it could have been my imagination. The weekend on NBC five is pretty much like a Russ Meyer production, not that I’m complaining. Yes ladies, men like boobs. If you have big ones, they’ll look at little ones and vice versa. We’re just fans. Quality over quantity is good, like the chick who wears pink on those Ellen sitcom reruns. Audrey I think her name is. Pure sex despite the squeaky voice.

Cheryl Scott on ABC7 has that kind of lean banging body like Kye does, like a sexy giraffe or something.

Anyways: Weekend tv.
I find politics painfully boring so that’s usually when I head out for a walk when Meet the Depressed comes on. I’m sick of the election, I’m sick of the constant police shooting drama, it’s which I’ve avoided downtown this Holiday season, though I do plan on getting a boot mug from ChristKindl market before it’s over this year.

I still watch America’s Funniest home videos but again, I miss that magical era when the show first came out, hosted by Bob Saget. I had so many videotapes of that I watched over and over again. I like to pretend that “America’s Funniest People” didn’t happen, the painful auditions of people making the same stupid faces at our local mall make me cringe decades later. At least now those assholes just put it on easily avoidable Youtube videos.

I realize that most people have lives that are white and safe and secure enough they can be lame like that, I know they wouldn’t like the urban jungle I live in too much, despite all the cool shit going on in Chicago, I long for those days where I could go to Meijer at 3am to pick up drawstring sweatpants style jeans and a 24 pack of Diet Cherry Coke. Ahh, suburban safety. How I miss you.




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